This parenting thing's not so simple

Now that I've got the monumental responsibility that comes with having a kid of my own, I consider more of my actions than I ever did before. Thinking ahead about parenting decisions instead of employing the old shoot-from-the-hip-method will help us (I hope) make fewer decisions in need of overturning at a future date. Whether or not to celebrate Halloween is one such decision.

In my early years, I experienced the joy of dressing up as a princess and other benign characters to survey Grandma and Pop's neighborhood for treats. Later in my growing up years, say from the age of 10 on, my parents decided that we'd not celebrate Halloween because it was a pagan holiday with evil roots. Once they learned about the day's origins, my parents took the holiday seriously and thought it best for my sister and I to exclude ourselves from dressing up, parties and trick or treating. For me, it was like the blind person who loses her vision as a child-- I knew what it was like to have the fun of canvassing the neighborhood-- so taking it away was traumatic. To my knowledge, Sarah never got to trick or treat since she was so much younger when my parents had their revelation. That's traumatic too for a young kid-- having to explain why you're the only weirdo in 3rd grade who doesn't have a costume on. I'm not going to be overly dramatic and say all those missed Halloweens ruined my childhood (I can only speak for myself) but the whole thing would have made a lot more sense to me if I'd never been allowed to dress up and it was family policy from the beginning.

So these days, I know my parents' reasons and I agree with some of them. But I think just because you let your kids put on a costume doesn't mean next year they'll lead a seance. In my opinion, just as you can make Christmas all about Santa Claus if you so choose, you can also make Halloween just about the wholesome fun that comes with it. That's not to say we do the former, it's just an example of how the true purpose of a holiday can easily be separated from how one chooses to celebrate it. That said, Sam and his future siblings will get to celebrate Halloween within range of our watchful eyes, choosing costumes that are friendly, funny and cute.

On a somewhat related note, I noticed a slew of horror movies on tv this week. For me, it's like a sadistic curiosity. When I was ever drawn to one in the past, I inevitably ended up with nightmares and a feeling of dread in my stomach. This year I passed on the horror because I decided there's nothing good about putting such dark visuals into my head. And the same goes for Sam; as he grows up I want him to input good stuff like puppy dogs and canoe races. I realize there'll be plenty of negativity going in that's out of my control. Bob disagrees though. One of his favorite movies is Hannibal which, when I think about it, scares me a bit. He swears it's for the scenes of Italy. What's your take on the horror genre?

Progress aplenty

Sam just turned 21 months old and he's talking all the time, stringing sentences together like he was born to communicate. Today he awed us by showing off his counting skills. It brought a tear to my eye to see my smart baby boy feeling so proud of himself. All these months of counting the stairs on the way up to our third floor apartment did more than make me breathe heavy. I can't wait for the day we can count the steps as we climb up the one flight to his new bedroom.

To that end, progress on the house continues although slowly. This week, there were two remarkable milestones. First, our general contractor placed the yard sign in front of the house announcing the arrival in short order of a dumpster and plenty of workers pounding nails at 7:00am. The day that noise begins polluting my neighborhood I will listen closely to the sonata and kindly ask my neighbors for their patience as the days pass and the debris pile grows.

Although the GC hasn't started any of the remodeling work yet, our lead abatement contractor started and completed his bit this week. Admittedly I'm a bit of a lunatic about lead--ask Bob about the time I made him take me to Urgent Care because I was certain I was thinking slower as a result of poisoning myself while refinishing furniture. The doctor thought I had a screw loose but that had nothing to do with lead. Thankfully, there wasn't much of the stuff in our house compared to other similarly aged homes and we knew the deal before we bought it because we had the house professionally tested as part of our home inspection. In our real estate shopping we learned that many don't take lead seriously. We actually had one realtor tell us that lead poisoning was only a problem in the inner city where children were malnourished and relied on chipped paint to supplement their diets. Perhaps the ignorant biddy didn't know that all kids put things in their mouths regardless of hunger. Personally, I can't believe so many people would pay so much to get into the right school district and then jeopardize their children's mental development by leaving lead in their homes exposed. Perhaps they don't realize how serious it can be. To us, it was just part of the work required to make the house safe and habitable for our family. If you had a boy as smart as ours, I'm sure you'd do the same.

Home Improvement for Dummies

Thank you to Rox and Doug who offered their renovation suggestions after reading my last post. We've particularly enjoyed reading The Inept Homeowner's Guide to Surviving Renovation and Remodeling your Home: Avoiding Litigation and the Resulting Cost Overruns. Both are enlightening books on the subject making me want to kick myself for not fighting through Bob Vila's prickly exterior to make friends with him that day I was behind him in line at the Whole Foods.

I am pleased to report that we've finally found a design/build firm that inspires confidence and doesn't threaten to send us over the edge into the money pit. We've spent the last few weeks working with Mike, the lead estimator, to do the planning required before we sign the contract and work begins. Mike's a character and a no-nonsense straight shooter. It's funny how quickly we've gotten to know and trust him. As soon as I see him furrow his brow and put his head in his hands, I know I've asked for too much. Once when I asked him what would happen if we raised Sam's bedroom ceiling to the rafters, he told me, "Your husband might kill you." This is the same guy who called me a tree hugger when he heard I was interested in Lyptus cabinets. If he thinks I'm a tree hugger, he should see my son.

We learned a few things making the selections for our place in Arizona and we're trying to learn from that experience. This project is different though; we have not only the finishes to choose but also the layout. Whereas last time, we picked the tile, countertops and light fixtures, this time we need to determine where walls should be. It's much more like building from scratch when you tear out so much of what's existing. Planning the details takes precious minutes, hours, days. One of the many contractors who came to the house advised us that erasing a line in a plan is much easier than knocking down a wall. We're heeding his advice and making sure that the plan is one we've fully thought through before any demolition begins. It's a little maddening but a necessary exercise in self-control. On several occasions Bob has restrained me with my sledgehammer from taking matters into my own eager hands.

We hope the updates will modernize the home in terms of how it meets our family’s needs, but the implementation will be done in a style reminiscent of its earlier origin. On our real estate venturing, I was often struck by how glorious cherry cabinets and wall-to-wall stainless appliances felt out of place in humble homes of a similar vintage to ours. It is a personal preference of course, but I feel we owe it to the house to respect the years it stood before we were even born. We can do that by making selections that harken back to an earlier time with its own set of principles and ideals. It's one way I can help those principles persist.

In this life where so much stuff is disposable, I hope that one day our house will be worthy of a discreet placard on the front noting its date of construction and original owner. But that's a long way off. For now, I'll rely on the Colonial charm in its structural symmetry, warm hardwood floors, and crystal doorknobs from which to draw inspiration. Whatever changes we make, I know the decisions made now will result in the establishment of our surroundings for years to come. Every design decision is a commitment and for better or worse, I've awoken in the morning wondering if sconces might be a better lighting option in the powder room. Perhaps it's design fatigue, maybe it's a symptom of being TKO--whatever it is, I'm taking tomorrow off to enjoy the onset of Fall in the great city of Boston with my best guys.

10 things you don’t want your prospective General Contractor to do

Arrive at the first meeting in a brand new Porsche Cayenne.

Belittle town building inspectors and call the last one he worked with an “ass.”

Tell you your project timeline is unrealistic because he and his family are leaving next week for a month long vacation in Greece.

Assure you that, “When you build green, the details just work themselves out.”

At the appointed meeting time, place a call from 11 Arnold Street to say he's knocking on the door and why are you not answering? (Our house isn't on Arnold Street.)

When asked if ours is a larger than average size project for him, answer, “Nah, I once built a $5 million gas station.”

Show up to the first meeting red faced, sweaty and dressed in tennis whites.

When asked why the price for the work is so high, proclaim proudly, “This is Wellesley!”

Insist you throw pecuniary caution to the wind because every dollar spent on a kitchen renovation will certainly result in a return on that investment when you sell the house.

Estimate the cost of renovating the kitchen will cost you somewhere between an MIT professor and Boston Mayor Menino's yearly salary.

Some of these are annoyances, others are downright ridiculous. And yes, we've now experienced them all. The fact of the matter is that if we don’t find a contractor who is a good match for us soon, we're going to move into the house as is. And if we do that, then I’ll bet we won't update it for years since the prospect of doing so will only become more daunting. Please oh please Mr. Reliable-Reasonably Priced-Able-To-Work-Now-Contractor where are you? I really think our house can be great, we just need you to put hammer to nail.